Real Service Page 7

   He has impeccable honor. He has a clearly defined moral code and he actually lives by it. While he needn’t be completely perfect, he needs to be significantly better than most people in this, in order to be trusted with complete control over another person. He is well aware of any areas where he has difficulty holding consistently to his moral code, and he is always working to improve. He recognizes quickly when he has acted dishonorably, and seeks to make amends in whatever way he can.

   She can clearly state her core values and priorities, and her words and actions reflect them. When her priorities are unflattering, she is honest with herself about them, even if she chooses to keep them private.

   His philosophical and/or spiritual beliefs, especially with regard to honor, responsibility, leadership, and service, are sincerely held and not merely self-serving. He has some concept of something greater than his personal will or ego, if only the common good of society.

   She acts honorably when she has “real world” power over someone, such as her children, pets, or employees. She treats service personnel with courtesy, and is comfortable receiving personal service. She is not derisive towards or made uncomfortable by people of a lower social station.

   He acts honorably when someone has “real world” power over him. Even if he dislikes acting under anyone else's direction, it does not make him irrational or petty. He acts politely and reasonably to his boss, police officers, judges, and the like. He is not derisive towards or made uncomfortable by people of a higher social station.

   She knows her limitations and failings, and can respond maturely to someone pointing them out, even when they do so rudely. She genuinely appreciates constructive criticism from an appropriate source, even when it is difficult for her to hear.

   He knows what he wants and makes no apologies for it. He knows the difference between what he wants and what he can have, and handles such disappointments with maturity. He does not feel excessive guilt or discomfort about desiring control over another person, and feels he can act on these feelings without violating his ethical or spiritual beliefs.

   She knows clearly the difference between fantasy and reality, and can function in reality. She knows the difference between truth and fiction, and is honest unless she has good reason not to be. She knows the difference between telling lies, being honestly mistaken, and being willfully ignorant, both in reference to her own statements and those of others. She operates under a fairly internally consistent logic that is in harmony with her perception of reality. She is not actively mentally ill in any significant way.

   He has no addictions, obsessions, or compulsions that seriously interfere with his ability to make decisions.

   She takes responsibility for her words and actions. In crisis, she doesn't look first for someone or something to blame. She understands and accepts the consequences of her actions, both long and short term.

   He understands that the best plans fail occasionally, even when every possible effort has been made, and that no one is perfect. He can do honest risk assessment and make back-up plans, and cope with failures maturely and constructively.

   She has her life in good order, for the most part, and does not live crisis to crisis. She does not seem to invite turmoil into her life without good reason.

   He is reliable. If he says he will do something, you can trust that he will make every effort to do it. If he knows there is a significantly higher than normal chance of failure in a plan, he strives to make this clear beforehand to the parties concerned.

   Her judgment is sound. She makes better choices than most in tough situations, and is not paralyzed by difficult or unpleasant choices. She has good reasons for her decisions, regardless of whether she explains them to others.

   He understands his emotions and copes with them reasonably well. He has someone in his life with whom he can express his emotions, if only a therapist or clergyperson.

   She controls her temper flawlessly. She does not act on sadistic urges (emotional or physical) in inappropriate ways, even under stress. She does not respond violently without serious physical provocation.

  Qualities of a Good Servant

  After writing the last article, we wanted to create a matching one for the opposite number. It seems that there aren’t a lot of standards for what it means to be a good s-type; in fact, there is a distressing tendency for people to casually assume that “of course submissives can’t be expected to act like a reliable, committed, self-disciplined adult – they’re submissives, aren’t they?” This kind of infantilizing of all s-types is counterproductive, as it hardly encourages them to excellence, and indeed it does the opposite. It may stem from a general discomfort with the state of submission on both sides of the slash, where that discomfort is translated into pretending that servants are a lesser class of human. Instead of this, it would be better to see this position as an honorable one – and that means having standards. So here are some ideal characteristics for people in service. (Again, genders are arbitrarily alternated.)

   She is genuinely moved to service because of the emotional happiness it gives her, not because she feels that it is required for a particular fantasy role. She is aware of the difference between fantasy service and reality.

   He honestly enjoys working under the direction of someone else, and rarely suffers from reflexive resentment from being told what to do. He’s not exceptionally attached to doing things his own way.

   She enjoys helping people and being useful, but doesn’t take it personally if someone refuses her help or doesn’t find her service beneficial.

   He takes pride in his work, and is motivated to do a good job without needing praise or recognition.

   While she is able to relax and take time for herself, in general she’d rather be working than sitting around doing nothing.

   He isn’t a martyr. While he might be quicker than some people to inconvenience himself for the benefit of others, he doesn’t go out of his way to inflict hardships on himself for little discernible benefit. He never intentionally makes other people feel guilty over the service he has rendered them or hardships he has endured on their behalf.

   She does not need to be sexually aroused to render quality service, and sex is not her main motivation for doing it.

   He does not have trust issues so huge that even an extremely honorable master will be under constant paranoid scrutiny for the inevitable betrayal. He is able to realistically assess whether the judgment of a given master is worth trusting, and can relax into being carried by their will.

   She has a sense of honor and will strive to do the right thing even when it is unpleasant. She obeys not because she is afraid of consequences, but because she has made a commitment to do so. She takes pride in being able to remain obedient even when it is extremely difficult for her.

   He is reliable. If he says he will do something, you can trust that he will make every effort to do it. Keeping his commitments is very important to him.

   She has reasonably good self-control, and does not require continual external management of her volatile emotions. She is not actively mentally ill.

   He has no addictions, obsessions, or compulsions that seriously interfere with his ability to follow orders.

   She is capable of acting with discretion when allowed access to confidential or sensitive personal information. She is not inclined to gossip, and can keep secrets without drama.

   He can clearly and respectfully communicate any difficulties, concerns, or potential conflicts regarding his orders, in a manner appropriate to his role. He does not take it personally if the master rejects his suggestions.

   She is willing to admit when she does not understand something, or doesn’t think she is capable of it. She is willing to fully apply herself to a task, even if she thinks it is beyond her capabilities.

   He is not looking for a service relationship in order to avoid real-world responsibilit
y or accountability. He sees himself as a mature and responsible adult, capable of making good decisions.

   She realistically evaluates how the other responsibilities and commitments in her life effect how much service she is able to offer and under what circumstances, and clearly communicates this to the people she serves.

   He understands what he is hoping to get out of a service relationship. He can clearly communicate what he expects in return for his service, and what he would like but is willing to compromise on. If he is not getting these things, he discusses it with his master in a timely manner, rather than silently building up resentment.

   She accepts that her master is a real and imperfect human being. She does not hold unrealistic ideas about her master’s perfection, but is not excessively critical of her master’s flaws.

   He’s comfortable working “behind the scenes” and isn’t particularly concerned with whether his contributions are publicly acknowledged.

   She finds service to be an honorable and fulfilling way of life that makes good use of her skills. She does not feel it is a waste of her time, or that the work is “beneath her”.

   He is able to appreciate that different people have different values and priorities, and can act according to his master’s priorities, even when they differ substantially from his own.

   She is genuinely comfortable with her place in the household hierarchy. She does not look for ways to feel superior to other servants or to the people she serves. She does not attempt to look good at the expense of others.

   He is has good observational skills, and can figure out his master’s habits, preferences, and priorities over time.

   She is able to understand her master’s view of life well enough to be able to extrapolate what her master would want her to do in any given situation, and follow those unwritten orders in a manner appropriate to her position.

   He has a good sense of his own worth as a person and as a servant, and will not serve a master who does not value him. He knows that he cannot honorably serve a dishonorable person.

   She can realistically assess her skill level, experience level, and how her physical and mental condition at any time will affect her job performance. She knows how to communicate this information clearly to her master in a way that is useful to them.

   He is able to understand his master’s relationships with other people – such as other servants, submissives, slaves, egalitarian partners, family, and friends – and values them because they make his master happy in some way.

   She is able to verbally defend her chosen lifestyle to questioners, where appropriate, in terms that express how good the power dynamic is for her self-esteem and overall welfare.

  Skillsets

  Service Skills

  The skill lists that follow are meant to give ideas and examples to masters and servants and to get them talking about service in terms of “real world” activities. They are also provided to give masters inspiration as to how their servants could provide useful service. We hope these lists will also provide servants with ideas about skills they might like to learn, as well as prompt them to offer skills they already have but never thought to offer in their power-dynamic relationship. The selection and categorization of skills is based on our way of life and experiences, and the daily lives of the other people we know in service. Like any lists of this sort, it reflects our personal biases, values, and preferences.

  Skills are categorized into three levels:

  Remedial skills are skills we think it is reasonable to assume that any competent adult be able to do.

  Basic skills are what we’d expect to be within the capabilities of most servants who routinely provide service in an area.

  Advanced skills are specialized skills that someone focusing on that area of service would not necessarily be expected to have, but that a servant with more experience might be able to offer. Many require a strong aptitude for the task, specific training, or fairly extensive study.

  Please Note: It is entirely possible that an otherwise competent adult may, for whatever reason, have very limited exposure to a certain area of service, so I don’t mean to imply that anyone who lacks these remedial skills is stupid or was raised by wolves. However, if a servant lacks any of the remedial skills in a given area, and is asked to provide any service at all in that area, they are advised to clearly and promptly explain their lack of experience to their master, even if the requested service itself seems clear. This way, the master will be able to assess the servant’s knowledge and skills more thoroughly, and provide the necessary supervision and instruction.

  There are some terms which we use in a precise way in this section, and they also describe three very different ways of rendering service. These terms will be italicized in the skills lists in order to show that this precise definition is intended.

   Detailed instructions make very few, if any, assumption about the servant’s prior knowledge. They do not require the servant make any complex decisions with regard to implementing them. They are specific enough that it would be exceedingly difficult to do the task badly while accurately following the instructions. The master knows exactly how to do the task, and barring physical limitations, is able to do the task themselves. The master takes responsibility for verifying that the servant knows exactly what to do, and has thought about where the servant might need more clarification due to limited knowledge or experience.

   Basic instructions assume that the servant has the essential skills required for the task, and if they haven’t done this exact task before, they are familiar enough with similar tasks that they are confident that they can achieve the specified result. The master might not know exactly how to do the task, but has a general idea. While the master generally has a specific result in mind, the servant may need to make reasonable assumptions about some of the details. The servant is expected to ask questions to clarify ambiguity or complications the master hasn’t thought of, but overall, the master takes responsibility for ensuring that what they asked for will produce a desirable outcome.

   Minimal instruction assumes that the servant is very familiar with all aspects of the service. The servant is expected to make complex decisions with regard to methods used, and generally is given a great deal of flexibility with regard to the specific tasks. The master may have little or no understanding of what is involved in performing the service. The master may only have a very general idea about what they want, so experience and good judgment are required to assure an acceptable result. The servant asks few, if any, questions of the master about details of the tasks, and only occasional questions about the overall goal. If the master requests things without understanding the repercussions of the order, it is the servant’s responsibility to inform them of this in an appropriate way. The servant is responsible for ensuring the outcome is desirable to the master.

  For example, if the master has a flower garden that the servant works on, detailed instructions would include exactly what work was to be done today, exactly what supplies to buy, what planting, weeding, and watering to do today, etc. Basic instructions might specify the type of plants and the area to be planted, and what time of year certain tasks need to be accomplished, but the servant would need to figure out exactly what to buy, how to put it in, and figure out a reasonable daily maintenance schedule. Minimal instructions might include only the occasional comment about wanting “something more colorful” in a specified area, or “more shrubs”, or “something fancy like we saw at Susan’s.”

  Without prompting means that once it is established that this service is the servant’s responsibility, they are expected to do it as needed, with no further orders or reminders. For routine tasks, this may mean doing it according to a set schedule, or independently coming up with a schedule that produces a satisfactory result. Some tasks may need to be done only a few times a year, but to do them without prompting still means that no reminder from the master is needed or expected. The
servant is certainly free to arrange for their own “prompting”, such as reminders on a calendar. The system by which they remember to do things is irrelevant, so long as it is effective. Do not underestimate what a valuable service it is to relieve someone of the responsibility of keeping track of something. However, both master and servant should be careful of any miscommunication about whose responsibility it is to keep track of a given thing.

  One further note: When we specify something being done in a “reasonable” manner or by a “reasonable” method, we mean doing it in a way that suits the needs of an average person. This is only specified for skills where a significantly more advanced level of competency is possible and in some cases desirable, but many reasonable people do not consider it mandatory when performing the task for themselves. For instance, a person can do laundry in a reasonable manner if they can get their own moderately soiled clothes clean without damaging them, and put them away in drawers or on hangers. It is not reasonable to assume an average person knows how to launder items that they themselves do not wear, just as it is not reasonable to assume that an average person would automatically read every clothing tag, hand-wash undergarments, use certain laundry additives, fold items crisply and uniformly, or put clothing away sorted by a particular system. If a master wants things done according a certain way, they should be make that clear.

  Occasionally, due to vastly different upbringings, a master and servant have wildly different ideas about what constitutes a reasonable method. In our experience this is rare, and the overwhelming majority of “misunderstandings” with regard to what constitutes a reasonable method are due to the servant’s passive-aggressive behavior, mental illness, or substance abuse. Certainly the second such “misunderstanding”, if not the first, should be met with a direct and firm confrontation.